What do you Expect?

What Do You Expect?
Copyright © 2004 Andrea Simanson
All Rights Reserved

Expectations...
What you expect of your children is what they will do. If you constantly remind them to do their chores, you are training them that they need to be reminded to do them. If you expect them to do their chores without being reminded, they will do them without being reminded.

"Now that's easier said than done" you say. "Nagging" is a term that most mothers (and fathers) know and consider a part of life. It's true, isn't it? You fall into the trap of nagging your children to do their chores. And then you get tired of nagging, so eventually just give up and say "Why try?"

So how do we inspire our kids to want to do their chores? Let me share with you three key principles that we've learned in training our children to take responsibility. I say this very humbly because our children are not perfect and haven't mastered the responsibility issue. But we are all a work-in-process, and we have had some success at tapping into motivating our children, so here goes!

1. Expect them to complete their chore list every day.

2. Reward them for completing their chore list.

3. Have consequences or removed privileges for not completing their chore list.

If you're like me, you struggle with number 1. There are days where I don't expect my children to complete their chore lists because I don't want to follow through to make it happen. I'm too tired, or I'd rather not work so hard, or I'd rather do something fun. Face it, we all have those days.

If, on the other hand, we want to instill responsibility in our children, we need to be consistent with these three points. If you have a day now and then when you're tired or you want to do something else, that's fine, but you get right back on track and keep moving forward after that. Try to keep these days to a minimum.

If they complete their chore list, there should be a reward for completing it. Even adults take a break, relax after a hard day's work, and celebrate accomplishments from time to time. Children need rewards/fun too!

If children don't complete their chore list, there should be consequences for not completing it. As you are consistent with what's expected, they will rise to that level of expectancy. If you clearly train them on the chores they are to do, and the chores are age-appropriate and doable, there's no reason why they can't accomplish those goals. Of course, there are life circumstances that may interfere and you will need to work through those, but a much of the problem with kids not doing their chores lies within the parent and their approach to chores. I believe that the number one problem with children not doing their chores is that parents fail to expect from their children. Why? Because we want to be their friend, we want life to be easy for them, we don't want to take the time to train, and the list goes on. We need to reevaluate our motives in training our children (or the lack thereof), and get in there to help them succeed in life!

Who owns the chores?
Here's a scenario: "Johnny, I want you to go hang up your coat and put away your lunch box." Johny goes and hangs up his coat and puts away his lunch box. The next day Mom says "Johnny, please go hang up your coat and put away your lunch box." "Okay," and he goes and does these two things. The parent is effectively training Johnny to rely on the parent to tell him to do these things. The child is doing his chore, but he doesn't value the accomplishment of doing it himself. He is simply doing what he's been told to do.

Okay, here's a different scenario:

"Johnny, each day when you come home from school, I want you to hang up your coat and put away your lunch box. If you do that on your own and I don't have to tell you each day to do it, then you get the privilege of . . . If you forget, then you don't get the privilege."

Guess what, Johnny will probably remember to hang up his coat and put away his lunch box because he wants to get the privilege.

That same scenario will work with a consequence added for not completing the chore on his own. For example, "If I have to remind you to hang up your coat and put away your lunch box, then you will get a chore added to your list for that day." What often happens is that Mom gets busy and forgets that she even told Johnny something, and then she gets mad later when she sees the coat and lunchbox on the floor. Can anyone relate? Let's be honest. As we begin to be honest about how life is really going, then we can step back and realize that we need to expand our thinking when it comes to training. Take time to evaluate, to brainstorm, to think about what makes your child tick. Write it down. It takes work. It takes effort. It is not easy being a parent. BUT, oh it is worth the investment in our children!

Take time to think about what you are imparting to your children. Most of us want them to be responsible, to follow through, to work hard without being nagged to do so. You don't have to be harsh with them. In a matter-of-fact way, you can train your child to own his/her own chores. Think about your approach for a moment and write down a few goals for change.

Sometimes we need to step back and evaluate our parenting in order to identify what's holding us and our children back from growth in these areas. Instead of seeing your child as the problem, consider what changes you can make to help him succeed. The best place to start is with yourself. Successful Family Chores begin with you.

About the author:

Andrea Simanson is a wife and mother of three children, and the website and ezine editor of
Successful Family Chores - Putting FUN and ENERGY into everyday tasks.
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